A storm is gathering, like a hurricane off the coast of Florida. The whole earth can see it coming, and that storm will be raining down all through the next season of 2021. This is White Boy Summer.
Honestly, this may be just what the doctor ordered. The summer of 2020 might have been the worst part of the year, between the lack of in-person sports, racial tensions at an all time breaking point, and election coverage diluting into a stream of static. Preemptively, as we ride through spring, not even at Easter yet, one man has decided to face summer in a new way. This is an opportunity for a lot of people, white boys in particular to embrace positivity, challenge old ways of thinking, and become something better than they are this spring.
I’m of course talking about Chet Hanks, son of Tom, who is basically the pope of white people. (Dave Portnoy being the anti-pope) Hanks explained the ‘rules and regs’ of white boy summer yesterday, “I’m not talking about Trump, y’know, NASCAR type white. I’m talking about me, Jon B, Jack Harlow, type white boy summer.”
Instead of proceeding to “drag” Hanks, or celebrate other posters on twitter “dragging” him, like the lame-stream media has been doing, we at GSC took the time to have a more methodical approach, getting to the heart of what in particular Hanks had in mind for White Boy Summer.
After doing our due diligence as respectable impartial journalists, we have unanimously concluded that this has the potential to be on of the longest sustained periods of dudes rocking since the Doobie Brothers 1975 tour.
Hanks would later follow this up the next day in an Instagram story video where he announced the official rules and regulations of White Boy Summer:
- No plaid shirts: This is a massive development, keeping patterns simple. Too often, white boys have been wearing plaid shirts making them look like optical illusions, especially when pairing them with patterned ties. Instead, white boys will now be keeping things simple with plain white, blue, or black, t-shirts, polos, and button-ups. “Can’t be looking like a picnic table here, boys!”
- No Sperry Top-Siders: Could not agree more. I went to an all-boy high school where boat shoes were practically in the school’s dress code. Defiantly I wore loafers till the soles tore. Having that decision be vindicated, is one thing, but also having everyone that ardently supported the boat-shoes movement finally meet their demise is just as satisfying. “That’s not the kinda white boys we’re talking about, dog. Get yourself some Vans.” (I personally recommend the Onitsuka Tiger Mexico 66 for a good White Boy Summer shoe)
- No Calling girls “smokeshows”: Chet on the right side of history throwing shade to Barstool Sports here.
- Anything salmon colored, burn it: It’s salmon colored it’s meant to be cooked.
- Backwards hats still allowed. Dad hats are allowed but preferably backwards, and having a fresh haircut to pair with the hat is a must.
- Cargo shorts are a no go, as they have been for decades now.
- No approaching people you don’t know at parties with booze breath and bad sunburn. White boy summer is not gonna be sloppy, we’re lookin good and feeling good.
Ultimately, the viewpoint that Hanks is expressing is one of evolution, going from Pikachu to Raichu. While more rules certainly are on the way, each one presents an interesting opportunity for the white demographic to evolve. This is not just a time of celebration, but one of growth. Every white boy should take this opportunity to come into their own.
When we look back and see the white boys that didn’t by Pope Hanks’ rules, we won’t see a white boy at all. We’ll see a damn fool!
Hanks also made it clear that Black Queen Summer would not be canceled, and would run congruently with White Boy Summer.