Screw it. Here’s How Every Super Smash Bros Ultimate Character Would Vote

Fresh off his excellent spooky short stories series, Phil has taken the task of discerning the political leanings of every single character from Super Smash Bros Ultimate.

Mario: Mario’s a small business owner, so he’s probably against the unions and all that. He always errs more on the side of the customer. The guy thinks that deregulating will eventually help him out.

Donkey Kong: I mean, he’s just a monkey. DK just cares about getting the banana. He’d make a good guest on Joe Rogan

Link: So this is the Breath of the Wild version of Link, who was specially selected to be a knight and champion of Hyrule, which is actually a pretty chill place. All the nations kind of agree with each other. Nobody is really exploiting anyone else. So Link is like one of those soldiers who’s very anti-interventionist. Like he’s fine with a good defense unit, but that’s basically it.

Samus: She’s an Elon Musk style utopianist, like “Yeah technology is gonna save the world, and private companies will do the most good when they partner or take over government functions like the police and healthcare.”

Dark Samus (Echo): Jokerfied, probably still posts honkler memes on twitter

Yoshi: We see on Yoshi’s island that there’s no real power structure among their race. As a matter of fact they’re usually taking them down. So Yoshi’s definitely an anarchist.

Kirby: Kirby cares a lot about charities and all that, one of those guys that organizes a “clean up the beach” project, not even for school or Boy Scouts. He just really likes community service that much.

Fox: Big time conservative. He has his own paramilitary faction that he inherited from his father, his girlfriend is a pagan girl that he’s trying to reform. The guy is probably working on some craft beer that he can sell using his whole mercenary brand. Fox absolutely loves the tough-guy thing. He absolutely gets a kick out of triggering people.

Pikachu: Pikachu doesn’t vote because he believes in direct action. You think you can vote something like Team Rocket out of existence? The only problem is, he’s a terrible organizer.

Luigi: Union guy. He has to be. He’s from New York, and there’s no way in hell Mario lets him have any stock in their plumbing operation. Gotta remember, Mario initially made his cash as a carpenter before creating his plumbing business. Luigi wasn’t doing anything until he started working for his brother.

Ness: Woke kid. Protest influencer. He’s out at antifa rallies and BLM marches with his baseball bat and smartphone taking tiktoks of himself chanting along with the protesters.

Captain Falcon: Captain Falcon is one of those athletes that thinks that athletes should be completely apoltical. He’s a real shut-up and dribble kind of guy, which is a shame, because he obviously has some very deep-seeded convictions, but we’ll never know, because all he’ll talk about is racing

Jigglypuff: The type of pop-star that’ll just tell people to vote, without explicitly telling them who to vote for. Great work, Jigglypuff. I’m sure you feel real good about yourself now.

Peach: Monarchist, but just one that happens to run things well enough. She’s a #girlboss

Daisy: The definition of a “bruh” girl. Daisy’s kind of the reverse of Peach. She’s a Rosie the Riveter type feminist that wants more female plumbers and carpenters out there.

Bowser: Imperial expansionist. We see all the weapons he’s packing Super Mario Bros 3. He’s willing to subjugate as many people as possible just to gain another inch of territory.

Ice Climbers: Single issue voters, and they want to see divorce banned. They believe society will come back together if the family unit is strong.

Sheik: Edo-Japan-style isolationist. They see all that mess happening around the world and they say, “hell no.” They’re more focused on art, poetry, and perfecting martial-arts. In many ways, Shiek is grill-pilled.

Zelda: Zelda is shown to be a theocrat in most games, which is awfully convenient since the only opposition she faces happens to believe in the same concept of divine power as she does, just inversely. It’s like if Europe was divided into Catholics and Satanists rather than Catholics, Orthodoxes, and Protestants. Zelda’s ideal authority is one that comes from divine order rather than anything else.

Dr. Mario: He wants as many people as possible covered, but also doesn’t like the prospect of Medicare for All. He thinks Obama got it right with the ACA

Pichu: First one to insight violence at a protest, usually gets his ass handed to him.

Falco: Falco at heart is a liberal/leftist but always had a problem being open about it, because he thought only wimps vote left. When he found Chapo Trap House he made that whole podcast his identity for like a month.

Marth: Kid who’s expressed purpose in high school is getting into West Point. He gets in, graduates, gets deployed, then wants to do nothing but go back to West Point.

Lucina: “My father and grandfather were naval officers. I deserve to be an officer!”

Young Link: Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask Link has 0 faith in any political movements. He skips his childhood to become an adult, then after saving Hyrule, gets sent back to his child-body, but he still retains all the trauma he went through as an adult. After that he had to confront his own mortality when he saved Termina. At this point, Young Link is too checked out to believe any political cause will lead him to a more fulfilled life. Not even having a kid gives him any greater sense of purpose. He helps people, but is unable to get the help that he needs.

Ganondorf: Theocrat. And he’s the God.

Mewtwo: You know that picture of Dr. Manhattan? That’s him.

Roy: Enlisted out of high school because he came from a poor family. Basically living the jarhead life.

Chrom: The soldier that told Kaepernick it’d be better if he kneeled rather than sat down.

Mr. Game & Watch: This dude now has Stockholm syndrome for all the things that made his life suck back then and now thinks that every future generation should go through it. He’s of the Heidegger belief that the more convenient life gets, the less meaning it all has.

Meta Knight: Really wants to bring back the draft.

Pit: Total optimist. Unable to comprehend how anyone could be mad with their current situation.

Dark Pit: “No cops at pride”

Zero Suit Samus: Only cares about gun rights. Love taking pics of herself in lingerie holding guns. Super popular on Twitter and 4chan

Wario: Libertarian

Snake: Nuclear disarmament, all over the world.

Ike: He’ll vote for whoever the last friend he talked to is voting for

Pokemon Trainer: Loves to pester vegans. Always posts pictures of his burgers or steaks. Believes soy will feminize him. He has gotten into multiple Twitter spats with PeTA.

Diddy Kong: Monkè

Lucas: Lucas had a bad experience with a cult one time and now wants most churches to be taxed heavily or outright banned.

Sonic: Believes that voting Trump back will actually push America further left because of dialectics or something like that.

King Dedede: Kim Jong Un style dictator, just wants to play golf and hang out with Dennis Rodman. Absolutely decadent.

Olimar: Environmentalist, but one of the ones that wants to regulate individuals, like tax you for not using paper straws.

Lucario: Cares deeply about what companies test on animals, realizes he can’t consume anything without hurting some animal inadvertantly. He suffers daily.

R.O.B.: He’s basically the Grimes song, We Appreciate Power, but in a person.

Toon Link: Toon Link not only believes in global warming, but wants to accelerate it so he has more reason to take the boat out. His original world takes place over a flooded Hyrule anyway, and him getting that boat was the first time his life felt genuinely fulfilling.

Wolf O’Donnel: Irish republican. Writes in Sinn Féin and sings “Come Out Ye Black and Tans” Whenever he’s at karaoke.

Villager: Brunch-pilled

Mega Man: He is the invisible hand that regulates the market. 10 times Dr. Wily has tried to compete with Dr. Light, 10 times has Mega Man thwarted him.

Wii Fit Trainer: Anti-vaccine. Believes the whole pandemic was planned.

Rosalina & Luma: Acknowledging the existence of global warming, but also not caring in the slightest cause they’re in outer space.

Little Mac: His entire political philosophy is based on Rocky IV. He’d rather see the Olympics be used to settle international conflicts.

Greninja: Environmentalist who spends their energy hating corporations that pollute instead of caring about plastic straws.

Mii Fighter: These guys are the NPC meme.

Palutena: Female supremacist. Wants to actually create a matriarchy that takes away men’s voting rights.

Pac-Man: Has been a misogynist ever since his divorce.

Robin: Theory nerd. Reads incomprehensible texts and write incomprehensible texts about them. Spends more time online arguing with other leftists rather than winning over anyone from the other side.

Shulk: Huge British identitarian, cares about stuff like the color of the passport. Eats beans and toast as if he’s making a political statement

Bowser Jr.: Believes in whatever his dad does

Duck Hunt: One of the ethical hunters. Staunchly in favor of eating what you kill, and making stuff from its hides. Basically he forgives any type of animal use as long as it’s an individual case.

Ryu: “Yeah okay, you make some pretty good points, but what’s your max bench?”

Ken: Complete orientalist. Still thinks that japan is the land of the Samurai. Won’t shut up about eastern philosophy and Zen Buddhism, speaking about it in such an incomprehensible way so that no one could ever understand him.

Cloud: Unemployable veteran who’s completely listless after returning from combat. Everyone appreciates the work he’s done, but there’s no place for him. Totally checked the hell out.

Corrin: One of those guys with a statue profile picture who talks about how depressing left wing architecture is

Bayonetta: Leftist professor who also has an OnlyFans

Inkling: Will go against the grain for the sake of it. Usually calls themselves a libertarian. Would have voted for Ron Paul in 2008, 2012, Johnson in 2016, and Yang in 2020.

Ridley: Doesn’t speak English, is taught to say offensive things by right wingers.

Simon Belmont: Traditional Catholic, secretly wishes he was Orthodox. Celebrates mass in Latin.

Richter: Jesuit educated leftist catholic.

King K. Rool: Irony-bro who says anything to get a rise out of people

Isabelle: Doesn’t care what your politics are as long as you express them in a civil manner.

Incineroar: Qanon, infowars, absolute head of tin-foil on this lad, has appeared in like 3 AllGasNoBreaks videos.

Piranna Plant: One of those people who cares very intensely about the debt clock. Every conversation politically with this guy will always go back to the deficit.

Joker: Dank memer who got into politics because he really hates Trump. Beyond voting that person out, he really has no convictions.

Hero: This guys a technology hater and will call anything a black mirror episode if he doesn’t like it

Banjo and Kazooie: “The industrial revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.”

Terry Bogard: Basically, this video

Byleth: Supports war for the sake of keeping the weapons manufacturing business alive.

Min-Min: Pro PROC. Taiwan doesn’t exist. Tianamen square never happened.

Steve: Genuinely has no concept of government.

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